Lyfe iS g00d again!!1.
Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after ... wards
I don't want this weekend to end
R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin' in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I'm drivin', cruisin' (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin' lanes
Wit' a car up on my side (Woo!)
(C'mon) Passin' by is a school bus in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it's Friday, it's a weekend
We gonna have fun, c'mon, c'mon, y'all
It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Almost 10 years of friendship, festering into hatred and anger. WTF MAN
I'm so sick of this. I try to reach out to him and let him know that I still care about him and want to be his friend. I've tried multiple times. But every single freaking time, I get rejection, cruelty and hostility. I'm so completely exhausted from caring about those who obviously couldn't give the slightest shit about me. I miss my best friend. I don't deserve this; I KNOW I deserve better... But a part of me still hopes. A part of me still holds out for that one day when he'll just accept my apology [though I STILL don't know what exactly it was that I did to fuck up the friendship, as his accusations are absurd and bear no truth]... I don't know why the hell I keep trying. I am SO OBSCENELY TIRED OF CARING. I've never been one to let things roll off my back, and when such resentful and hateful things are coming from someone I still really care about, it's that much worse.
I keep telling myself I haven't the energy to keep trying... But I'm stubborn and persistent. Good traits for a gamer, atrocious ones for the situation at hand. And no matter how many times I tell myself I won't message him again, it happens and I'm stuck in my room at night crying again.
Maybe it wasn't really a friendship. Maybe I'm trying to revive something that was dead before it began.
Either way, I wish I could obliterate him from my memory and deem him dead to me as much and as harshly as he's done to me. I truly wish it. But it won't happen... I'll just keep turning the other cheek for him to slap over.. and over.. and over... and over again.
I keep telling myself I haven't the energy to keep trying... But I'm stubborn and persistent. Good traits for a gamer, atrocious ones for the situation at hand. And no matter how many times I tell myself I won't message him again, it happens and I'm stuck in my room at night crying again.
Maybe it wasn't really a friendship. Maybe I'm trying to revive something that was dead before it began.
Either way, I wish I could obliterate him from my memory and deem him dead to me as much and as harshly as he's done to me. I truly wish it. But it won't happen... I'll just keep turning the other cheek for him to slap over.. and over.. and over... and over again.
Where would I be if...?
Last night I found an old childhood friend on facebook from when I use to live in KSJDLASKJDKA and I looked through her friends to see if I recognized any of the names. I haven’t seen these people since the 5th grade, so names (and definitely faces) were kind of fuzzy in my memory, but I recognized a few. I was taken back as to how old they all looked…they looked like ADULTS. If they look like an adult then I must be an adult too…*snicker* I browsed some of the profiles to see where life had taken my fellow classmates- some were in serious relationships, married, in college, had kids, or appeared to be going no where in life (had made some obvious bad choices).
This led me to think- what if I had never moved to SLKDJFKLSAJ and stayed in WEKJRKLWEJRLKF? How much different would my life be? Would I be in college now? Would have I even graduated from high school? Would I have figured out I was gay, or would I be settled down with some guy? Would I had been happy? Depressed? Liberal? Religious? What kind of experiences, good or bad, would have defined and shaped my life? Who would have been my friends? Would I have married my childhood bestfriend/”sweetheart”?
When I think about it, I don’t think I would have liked the person I could have possibly been- I like how life has shaped me. It’s so crazy to think about how different my life could have been. I love my life and all the things that I stand for, believe in, the people who I have encircled around me, and everything that has brought me to where I am now. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world- I am so very grateful for everything and everyone that has shaped me.
That being said, I think if I could have 3 wishes, one of them would be to see what my life would have been like had I had never moved, just for a day, or just a detailed glimpse of how things would be. It’s almost overwhelming to think how certain life events can have drastic consequences on your future. What if I never got into LJWELKJRLK? Would I have went somewhere else (according to my mother, damn right I would have went somewhere else, although I still don’t think I am the prime example of what a college student is or should be)? What if I had never took that leap of “faith” and never kissed that girl that day? What if I had never responded to that inbox message that turned out to be sent by the person that I am going to spend the rest of my life with? I look back on these few, but trivial events in my life and it scares me just how close I came to not going down the path that I did.
Some would say that asking "What if", harbors doubt and regret, but not in this case. This what if is fueled by curiosity as to how decisions, impacts the rest of your life. When I think about what could have possibly been, I am only reassured that I love my life the way it is, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
This led me to think- what if I had never moved to SLKDJFKLSAJ and stayed in WEKJRKLWEJRLKF? How much different would my life be? Would I be in college now? Would have I even graduated from high school? Would I have figured out I was gay, or would I be settled down with some guy? Would I had been happy? Depressed? Liberal? Religious? What kind of experiences, good or bad, would have defined and shaped my life? Who would have been my friends? Would I have married my childhood bestfriend/”sweetheart”?
When I think about it, I don’t think I would have liked the person I could have possibly been- I like how life has shaped me. It’s so crazy to think about how different my life could have been. I love my life and all the things that I stand for, believe in, the people who I have encircled around me, and everything that has brought me to where I am now. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world- I am so very grateful for everything and everyone that has shaped me.
That being said, I think if I could have 3 wishes, one of them would be to see what my life would have been like had I had never moved, just for a day, or just a detailed glimpse of how things would be. It’s almost overwhelming to think how certain life events can have drastic consequences on your future. What if I never got into LJWELKJRLK? Would I have went somewhere else (according to my mother, damn right I would have went somewhere else, although I still don’t think I am the prime example of what a college student is or should be)? What if I had never took that leap of “faith” and never kissed that girl that day? What if I had never responded to that inbox message that turned out to be sent by the person that I am going to spend the rest of my life with? I look back on these few, but trivial events in my life and it scares me just how close I came to not going down the path that I did.
Some would say that asking "What if", harbors doubt and regret, but not in this case. This what if is fueled by curiosity as to how decisions, impacts the rest of your life. When I think about what could have possibly been, I am only reassured that I love my life the way it is, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Short Quiz Thingie to Pass the Time...
Do you tend to speed when you drive?
-Oh god yes
Does your temper flare a lot?
-all the time...i am a redhead lol not really ssshhh
Do you get emotional easily?
-unfortunately
Which shoe goes on first?
-that one that i grab first
Are you lazy?
-more than i should be
Name one thing you do that people always tell you about:
-I crack my knuckles or play air piano
Are you superstitious?
-who wants to know?!?
Do you get bored with relationships quickly?
-depends on who i am with
Can you sleep without blankets covering you?
-no no no no
What do you sleep in?
-...........sometimes a shirt
RANDOM
Who do you wish you could hang out with right now?
-My boys in disney, or my homeboy in Greensboro
Name one thing you absolutely can not stand:
-My weight.
Where do you spend most of your time?
-not in my room
Have you ever hit a squirrel when you were driving?
-no!!!
Did your car ever break down?
-all the time....
What is the longest amount of time you've been awake?
-Almost 2 whole days.
-Oh god yes
Does your temper flare a lot?
-all the time...i am a redhead lol not really ssshhh
Do you get emotional easily?
-unfortunately
Which shoe goes on first?
-that one that i grab first
Are you lazy?
-more than i should be
Name one thing you do that people always tell you about:
-I crack my knuckles or play air piano
Are you superstitious?
-who wants to know?!?
Do you get bored with relationships quickly?
-depends on who i am with
Can you sleep without blankets covering you?
-no no no no
What do you sleep in?
-...........sometimes a shirt
RANDOM
Who do you wish you could hang out with right now?
-My boys in disney, or my homeboy in Greensboro
Name one thing you absolutely can not stand:
-My weight.
Where do you spend most of your time?
-not in my room
Have you ever hit a squirrel when you were driving?
-no!!!
Did your car ever break down?
-all the time....
What is the longest amount of time you've been awake?
-Almost 2 whole days.
Just Part of a Crowd
Like a lot of my poetry, I come up with it or the first lines of it while showering/bathing. I'm hoping this doesn't sound too emo; it's meant to be more contemplative and a little bittersweet, but not obnoxious or pining. Well, here ya go.
---------------
I saw you for the last time.
Not in my mind but in my heart:
A tangible existence before me.
Yes you were real, but….
You didn’t notice me. I was just
Another person.
No one you looked for.
But maybe you used to. Maybe
You even saw me as half of your reflection once.
Once.
And now so many words fall into dust between us, blossoming like so much poetry between us, words that will never come to fruit. Words you will never hear and
Words you will never speak.
I saw you for the last time.
Not in my mind but in my heart.
A dream worth having just one more time.
And I can’t help thinking:
All those times I gazed so intensely
Knowing you were slipping beyond my reach
And I still tried to memorize just a little more of your face and
Knowing that even if I saw you again you would change and not be the person I could remember. The peak of your hair; the brush of strands over your ear or
the mole on your right cheek. A way to know you so intimately because you wouldn’t let me know you any other way.
A way to remember a person who didn’t want to remember me.
I saw you for the last time.
Wishing it was the first time.
---------------
I saw you for the last time.
Not in my mind but in my heart:
A tangible existence before me.
Yes you were real, but….
You didn’t notice me. I was just
Another person.
No one you looked for.
But maybe you used to. Maybe
You even saw me as half of your reflection once.
Once.
And now so many words fall into dust between us, blossoming like so much poetry between us, words that will never come to fruit. Words you will never hear and
Words you will never speak.
I saw you for the last time.
Not in my mind but in my heart.
A dream worth having just one more time.
And I can’t help thinking:
All those times I gazed so intensely
Knowing you were slipping beyond my reach
And I still tried to memorize just a little more of your face and
Knowing that even if I saw you again you would change and not be the person I could remember. The peak of your hair; the brush of strands over your ear or
the mole on your right cheek. A way to know you so intimately because you wouldn’t let me know you any other way.
A way to remember a person who didn’t want to remember me.
I saw you for the last time.
Wishing it was the first time.
So, What's Going on, Internet?
God, the weather is so bipolar today! Yesterday it was like, 69 degrees and today it's like, 39. What the hell? But anyway. College sucks, too much studying to do. Going out with Brad 2nite!!!!
Also, found this hilarious video on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEswMimzS4w - a day early, but oh well! What you guys think? HAHAhahaha.
Also, found this hilarious video on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEswMimzS4w - a day early, but oh well! What you guys think? HAHAhahaha.
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