Almost 10 years of friendship, festering into hatred and anger. WTF MAN

I'm so sick of this. I try to reach out to him and let him know that I still care about him and want to be his friend. I've tried multiple times. But every single freaking time, I get rejection, cruelty and hostility. I'm so completely exhausted from caring about those who obviously couldn't give the slightest shit about me. I miss my best friend. I don't deserve this; I KNOW I deserve better... But a part of me still hopes. A part of me still holds out for that one day when he'll just accept my apology [though I STILL don't know what exactly it was that I did to fuck up the friendship, as his accusations are absurd and bear no truth]... I don't know why the hell I keep trying. I am SO OBSCENELY TIRED OF CARING. I've never been one to let things roll off my back, and when such resentful and hateful things are coming from someone I still really care about, it's that much worse.

I keep telling myself I haven't the energy to keep trying... But I'm stubborn and persistent. Good traits for a gamer, atrocious ones for the situation at hand. And no matter how many times I tell myself I won't message him again, it happens and I'm stuck in my room at night crying again.


Maybe it wasn't really a friendship. Maybe I'm trying to revive something that was dead before it began.
Either way, I wish I could obliterate him from my memory and deem him dead to me as much and as harshly as he's done to me. I truly wish it. But it won't happen... I'll just keep turning the other cheek for him to slap over.. and over.. and over... and over again.